MOM stands for Milk of Magnesia.

MOM upside down is WOW

and WOW, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

If you are ever 39 weeks pregnant and besides wanting to throw in the towel you would like to move your bowel….don’t put your eggs in the prune juice or “vegetable stool softener” basket.  Get yourself down to the dollar store and get some strawberry flavored Milk of Magnesia.  It will work.  You might think, this wont work, two spoonfuls?? Are you kidding me?  I just ate an entire bag of prunes yesterday and a 20 oz glass of prune juice, I don’t care what is in this shit 2 tablespoons is not going to cut it.  You then might take 2 tablespoons full and 3 hours later decide, I don’t want this to take two days I will just take a couple more tablespoons.  Well, you probably will regret the second 2 tablespoons, but you wont regret the clean bowel.  Finally.

WHERE the fck did all of the gnats come from lately.  I don’t even keep old food garbage in my kitchen for weeks on end anymore, or any garbage for weeks on end for that matter.  I don’t even leave piles of wet towels on the bathroom floor anymore.  I don’t even have that many dirty dishes by my sink, or crusty food all over the counter.  I mean COME ON.  WTF.  OH and NO there are no bananas on my counter either, old and brown OR new and yellow.

I was not going to post another post until this child had exited my womb, but guess what.  SHE WONT LEAVE.  Apparently everything is just fine and dandy in there and she is in no fcking rush to get out.  You may ask, have you walked?  Have you squatted? Have you gotten yourself a birth ball and bounced and rolled on it? Have you prayed? Have you put evening primrose oil up your hoo hoo?  Have you drank raspberry leaf tea? Have you done other unmentionable tasks?  And you know what the answer is? YES DUH YOU IDIOT.  OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED THESE THINGS, GEUSS WHAT? THEY DONT FCKING WORK.  IT’S ALL A HOAX.  KID WILL COME WHEN ITS DAMN WELL READY SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL QUIT PUTTING YOUR HOPES IN STUPID SHT THAT WONT WORK AND JUST GO PUT YOUR HEAD IN YOUR HANDS AND CRY FOR AWHILE CAUSE THAT PROBABLY HAS A BETTER CHANCE OF WORKING.

Oh, and if I yell at you, cry loudly, explain in a detailed list why I hate my life, shut myself in the bathroom for an hour, throw things, stare blankly at the stretch marks up to my boobs, shout expletives whilst hobbling on my two swollen rounded stubs of feet, or anything else of that nature?  GET OVER IT.  QUICKLY.

I recently heard an unfortunate but funny story of someone eating a large bag of peanut m&m’s before going into labor.  This got me thinking….so I am going to eat three ears of sweet corn and a funnel cake for supper.  If giving a nurse an unfortunate poop adventure is what it takes I am so in.

Probably I am not a traditional nester.  Things I think about: dusting, vacuuming, taking broom to cobwebs, cleaning the shower, doing dishes, watering plants, washing baby clothes, organizing, organizing, organizing.  Things I am doing: Sipping on decaf iced tea sitting in recliner in front of the window air conditioner on my laptop computer listening to testimony in the Casey Anthony case, oh and wishing i had another nap.

Probably I ate an entire package of fudge stripe cookies in two days.

Probably the worst thing that could happen happened today.  I ran out of toilet paper.

Say hello to 2nd in command Mouth, Loud.   AKA Loud Mouth.  AKA dude its 8:30 pm what are you crowing about?  AKA its 3:30 AM what are you crowing about?  AKA the lady chaser.

Next feast your eyes on the beauty himself, Danny Devito.  He used to have a twin but we gave him away to be head cock at a friend’s place.  Danny tends to do more of a course whine than a crow.  In fact, we thought his voice was broke for awhile until it became apparent that was just his way to get the ladies.  Poor Danny, however, is second to last in the pecking order so he doesn’t get quite the pussy he would like.

It’s time we should speak of Daddy, Big.  AKA Big Daddy.  AKA head cock.  AKA big man on campus.   AKA i get all the freakin pussy I want around this joint.  All. Day. Long.

Next is our gay rooster Phillip Morris.  We don’t run a bigoted joint, everyone is welcome.  Frankly, after having a gay rooster on the place I would suggest it.  Phillip has a high pitched and sassy crow, enjoys sitting in nest boxes and hanging with the ladies.  He does occasionally hop on and ride a hen from time to time but if you look closely his you know what never seems to actually be making contact with her you know what.  I think he has to do this so the other roosters don’t find out he is gay and start thinking he is hitting on them all the time when really he is just saying hi on his way to his dust bath.  (the hen in the front is Pretty Girl.  normally we don’t name hens but she is just so darn pretty…)

And last but not least, I introduce Jeff Magill.  Jeff has his own harem of hens and has not really integrated his flock with the rest of them.  He stays on the fringes of society keeping a close eye on his honeys and frequents the pig pen, the horse pen, and the front yard.  He doesn’t like his picture taken.

Well, that takes us to the end of our rooster show.  Might as well also say hi to The Dude.

Pretty much I do a lot of complaining these days.  I asked one of my midwives if it makes me a bad mother if I spend a lot of time bitching and complaining and she said no, so there.  I really am beyond excited to meet this little alien and move on to motherhood although i admit it hard to tell by my unsightly appearance and unpleasant demeanor.  I do smile on the inside, just not for you.

Pretty much the only thing that allows me to put my shoes on is the fall like weather we are having so just hold the f on with your heat wishes people, let me wear shoes for a couple days ok?

Pretty much Dollar General has the best ice.  I keep my good dollar general ice in a special place in the freezer cause well i like to eat it and enjoy a nice tasty glasses of iced tea and ice water during my day.  If you have been working on my roof, or picking your nose, or peeing outside, or sneezing, or coughing, or feeding the pigs, or petting the dogs, or especially picking your nose, or any other things of this nature, dont fcking touch the pregnant woman’s good ice.  You have your own dirty man hand grocery store ice in the door of the freezer and no, it doesn’t break apart easily like my nice pregnant dollar general ice, but, if i see your dirty fcking fingers in my ice I will throw up and then put my throw up in your supper and see how you like it.

Pure Country (Des Moines)

Date: 2011-06-06, 4:00PM CDT
Reply to:^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

PostingID: 2424859460

All he wants to do is make friends, but some of the extended family doesn’t seem to take too kindly to his affection.

This is Scraggle the hen.  She is quite scraggly, hence the name.

Heeeere Scraggle Scraggle….

Come on Scraggle, come here….

Fine.  Heeeeeeere piggy piggy piggy… (piggies dont get names because we eat them).  Come on piggy, come to daddy… (piggy says get he hell away from me)

Ok well fine then.  Get over here Long Dong Silver….let me at dem balls.  Demrsome bigguns…

Yep, demrsome big balls….

We find ways to make friends around here.

The End.

PREGNANT PICNIC PLANK

PROPANE PLANK

HITCHIN POST PLANK

RETRO SNAPPER COMET PLANK  aka  BROKEN JUNK PLANK

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF PLANK

Well, I figured it out.  It happened to Kelly today.  It’s over, the cycle has begun.  This once free spirited, fun, athletic, talented carpenter of a man has turned a corner.  In Kelly’s case it comes down to one word, harness.  Oh, the harness.  This man who could once traverse the roof freely on his own two feet with a beer in his hand and not a care in the world now is the sole provider for a growing family.  Not only are there the obvious logical and emotional costs to this kind of responsibility, but if you do something stupid that causes you to break a leg and not be able to work your wife (in this case me) might kill you, and well no one man wants to die.  Not to mention if you do something stupid and kill yourself your spouse (in this case me) will curse your name into eternal damnation.  So, what do you do when you must put new steel on the roof?  You succumb to the harness.  The potentially ball busting harness.  You literally screw yourself into your roof, take a deep breath, put your head down, and take those first steps away from your once youthful freedoms…

You look something like this…